Tuesday, January 29, 2013

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Baby Fever!!!!

I'm laying in bed right now, with the Lovely Mr.WarmAndCuddly fast asleep beside me. It's soothing. This time last year was a totally different scenario. I was alone, and at that point didn't even have a bed. Just a pad on the floor in the middle of my dark little room. And it had been his choice to have me be so alone. So much has changed. Wondering then, would I ever find another person to be with. I doubted it. And my doubt was in the right place. My strength as well. God had a plan.
Now, I am laying in a large and comfortable bed with a beautiful soul that is keeping me warm. What a blessing... But yet I am awake, as I have been the last few nights wondering something new. I'm torn... For I yearn for something that I know cannot have RIGHT now. I know better than to bring a baby into the world, when we are not financially ready to take care of it. My parents struggled to raise us and pay for things my sisters and I needed, as they had little money and were so young. I'm still young, too. I have plenty of time... Right? Wrong? Not sure...
That's where my worries come in. If, I perhaps have the same Müllerian anomaly, or similar, as my older sister, I would want to start now. With age comes the chance of being even less likely to have a viable pregnancy. A Septated or Bicournate Uterus is no joking matter, especially in our family. There is a HIGH chance of myself or younger sister also having one or more of these anomalies. *Side note, as formerly discussed, the gene that cause these abnormalities seems to be inherited from my father who is missing a Kidney and appendix, also, my younger sister is missing her appendix.*
We're trying to convince ourselves that I am going to luck out and be the "Normal" offspring of our parents. But lately... I've been having... Problems... Somewhat similar to those my sister had just before she found out about her septum. Guess what? I'm the age she was then. Ironic. I don't want to discuss the exact nature of those problems, but I'll tell you this. They can be a little scary and painful.
Now, it would be so hurtful to myself, my gorgeous husband and our families, if for some reason there could be no babies made between us. I want nothing more than to be his wife, and the mama of his offspring. It's getting really hard, as I see that many girls from my graduating class are on number 1 or more commonly number 2. I joke about it, but to tell the truth, I wish I new their secrets to being so fertile! Haha. Must be the sulfur water back in Idaho, that I didn't drink enough of?
See, joking. Have to make myself feel better somehow, right? But really. I could use those tips in the future, you fertile Myrtles. However, I remind myself. We have educations to get, and we'll have money someday. So if need be, I can have surgeries or fertility treatment. But the main part of my heart continues to argue for now, aaaand I don't do well with synthetic hormones, and would prefer getting pregnant without those nasty buggers. And, and, and... The list of arguments goes on.... Anyways, I'm gonna talk to the honey. Ask him to set up a consultation with the Big Boss a.ka. his dad to give me peace of mind and heart or ya know, more worries. Either, or. Anyways, I think I'll nuzzle up to Mr. Slightly Snoring, and get some rest.
Buenas Noches,

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

What is Missing?

The Defectives

It's usually quite upsetting to think about what is missing. As human beings we all have a need to gain more, achieve more, earn more,etc. We always feel as if something were missing, but we can never really tell exactly what. We fill one void and another opens it's vast feeling of emptiness in our souls. So what gives?


So there's that kind of "something missing". A silly feeling we get. Now here comes the interesting part! It has been made clear that my younger sister and father are missing organs. My sister is missing her appendix, and my father was born without his appendix and a kidney. The defects, known as Müllerian defects, are hereditary, and have also made an appearance in my older sister. She had a partial Septate Uterus, and was supposedly never going to conceive. But the big guy over head works in mysterious ways, and now we have a little miracle in the family name Lorelei and she will be two in February.


Lorelei originally was quite possibly a twin, but early on in my sister's first trimester she experienced what we had believed to be a miscarriage. We were all very distraught. But another ultrasound showed a growing "blueberry". Little Lumpy survived to our surprise and had to be delivered via Cesarean at 42 weeks! She refused to come out. And during the C section the found my big sis's septum (which had shrank mysteriously) was what merely seemed a large skin tag. We joke about it and say that Lorelei ate it.


So here we are at me. The only daughter left to find out what is missing or defective. I'm already an odd ball because of all of my allergies, lactose intolerance, asthma and occasional ovarian cysts which cause some awful discomfort (if I say something hurts it is probably ten times more painful for others, I have a high pain tolerance) and difficulty conceiving as mine occur and rupture during ovulation.


So what else? Finding out early this morning that my baby sis was born without an appendix, on top of my Dad and older sister's known issues has really taken it's toll on me today. Is it my kidneys, my appendix, or *sending up prayers to The big guy that it's not* my uterus? I realize that now, it's time I get an ultrasound for my peace of mind, and so I know if something further should be done.


I have a feeling, that if I were to inherit that awful gene that causes Müllerian defects, it would most likely be my uterus and cervix that would be affected. My reasons for believing this are that, unlike all the other females in my family who started menstruating as early as eight and no older than twelve, I started at fourteen. My cycle has never been "normal". I've had times where I wouldn't have a period for two or three months where the bleeding would be minimal, to times where I would bleed continuously for three months (when I was on the pill).


The latter ordeal was excruciating. I went from having no cramping and little bleeding to gushing and cramping that left me bed ridden, weak and anemic. Also on the MINI pill, I lost fifteen pounds. Being 5'4 and only 103 pounds was not okay. So I quit the pill. But my periods are still irregular after a year of being off of birth control, and still very painful.


I'm terrified to have an abnormality in my uterus. I want nothing more than to make beautiful babies with the love of my life in a few years, and if something comes up that creates a problem in that arena on top of ovarian cysts, I would be so hurt. I'm praying up a storm here, that everything is A-Ok. Or if something is wrong, I at least get to experience the same miracle my older sister did.

One thing is for sure. I am really MISSING my family.

Lighting Up Our Lives Since 02/03/11


Monday, January 21, 2013

A Princess Shouldn't Cry

Oh goodness, where do I start. Well, I decided on the break. So that's good. Let me see.... Oh yes. My adoring husband starts school again tomorrow. That will be an adjustment. But it is better than staying home and not playing on the computer! Ha! I'm actually proud, and happy that he is starting classes again. It's good for him to get out of the apartment and do something. This something is actually worthy of applause, if I do say so myself.
Apartment... Apartment. Apartment. Apartment. I hate that evil word. It's home, but it's not really home. It doesn't have that "home sweet home" cozy feeling. Maybe because the lack of wall hangings and color, or perhaps it's gross carpet and our stained furniture. Nope, it has to be the mismatched (and not in a cute way) dishes and silverware. Oh wait, I have it! All the strangers that track through.
But all in all, at the end of the day, it is home. It's where we are spending our first as a married couple. That makes it and it's flaws all so special to me. And then, if I go into the hallway, turn right and go through the bedroom door, I can escape the blandness. Here, we have all the colors and coziness. It's my comfort zone and when I'm here cuddled up to my lovely Christopher, it is Heaven. So, that is my relationship with the apartment. Love/hate.
Computer. Oh that beautiful, devilish little piece of technology. I would love it, but for the fact that it steals my precious husband away from me. All. The. Time. Now, I know we need our own time, but goodness... Eight hours or more on the computer is not a worthy accomplishment. However, I know that Chris vents and relaxes when he plays pc games with his friends, some of which he doesn't see very often. Buuut... I feel like the games and parties are the only reason some of those "friends" are around for. The fact that they can be so immature and keep a guy, who they know quite well is married and has other duties, on those games for hours upon hours, really upsets me.
I just don't know how to confront them or Chris about it. I don't want to be the evil B. But they and my husband, need to learn that he has other responsibilities. And if they were truly his friends... They would, oh you know, come visit, not because it has drinks involved but because they genuinely want to see Chris. Oh... And I would like for my husband to have a normal sleeping schedule. One that consists of sleeping when it is dark out. And maybe... Sounding selfish. He could spend time with me? *bats eyelashes, and innocently smiles*
Emotional. Oh yes. Today I have been QUITE emotional. No apparent reason. I wanted to go to the store earlier to buy a loaf or bread and a few other staples, and I wanted to walk. I've been dying for fresh air. Chris agreed but a few minutes later changed his mind and suggested we wait to see if our roomate and his friend, who has a car, were going to the store. Well I got a little upset over that, but I sat down and caught up on some blogs I have been following. Our roomate came out and saw that we hadn't gone to the store and asked if I wanted a ride, but at that point I had lost my drive. So I said no.
Well... Chris got peeved that I didn't go. And that did it. I got teary and had to hold them in until I got to the room. I cried a little, but then I told myself tears weren't worth it. So I decided to do laundry, clean the room, and scrub the bathroom down. I scrubbed the toilet with my bare hands, because I am out of gloves. And I did it for Mr. PickyAboutTheToilet, out of genuine love. I hung his clothes, made the bed, and organized the medicine cabinet. And I was feeling much better.
So...having nothing left to do, and noticing my love was in-between games I decided to go and nuzzle his neck and head. Trying to get his attention. I asked for him to come cuddle me. He was only being silly as he is a very goofy person, but for some reason when he said "I don't want to cuddle. Cuddling is for losers." Then changed the subject, to something on Facebook. He asked me a question that I would have been able to answer. But... My silly emotions, prevented me from answering and thus I said it the wrong way and he didn't understand so he laughed at me. And there I was again... Headed to the room to hide my tears. I don't know why, I am so sensitive today. It's just ridiculous. I hate when I get this emotional and cry at the drop of a dime.It makes me feel weak.
Well, I am still in my comfort zone. Waiting for my lovely Mr. NoSnuggles to get off his games. But it seems there is no end in sight. So I might go take my, second, bubble bath of the day. Or find something sweet to snack or sip on.
Until Next Time,

Monday, January 14, 2013

But I Don't Know

When does exhaustion end? Not now, not ever. Not for those of the working/studying class I suppose. I don't know. Lately, I've felt out of tune and touch with everything and everyone. Exhaustion has set in physically and emotionally this week. I mean, it is always there, lurking in the shadows, but something about this week, especially today, has taken it's dues.
I've started to realize, that as much as I love Nursing, it's not what I love and want most. And retaking so many courses I have already passed, and payed for, irritates me to no end. It's a waste of my time and money. Nursing School is a great laugh *sometimes histerical* to me any more. They choke every last dime and ounce of energy out of you, all the while bullying you and making up new rules to screw you over.
The problem is, Chris and I need this. And this will set us off on a good start. So I push myself further and further into the depths and demise of school and exhaustion, all the while holding onto dreams and cooing to myself, "for us and for someday." Chris and our future keeps me going, to say the least. I don't know what I would do without my super hero husband.
But I don't know. It's like I need a break. I feel like I jumped into school too fast after having just moved to a new place. I never got use to my surroundings, to the people, or really looked into other schools... I just jumped. Because I wanted to satisfy other peoples' questions. I wanted to prove to them that I wasn't running away and eloping. That I was going to stick it through. That's me though. Appealing to others before giving myself any rest. Always to the point of breaking.
I have no idea what to do. Upset everyone else by taking a break for my own health and peace of mind? Or continue until the meltdown occurs, in attempt to prove others the extents I will go to succeed. I hate to be selfish, but... I shouldn't be so exhausted I feel as though I am in my sixties. I don't like feeling like I am really "Grandma Kitty," as my sisters call me. I'm 19. I'm young. I should feel agile and energized.
My mood, I won't call it depression (people overuse and abuse that term and condition), has caused me to feel nauseated, dizzy, extremely fatigued and sometimes hostile. It's hard to eat, and sleep. And I know this will lead to me being an, unhealthy, low weight. I'm sending out a siren, a call for help or kind words. I don't need anymore "Keep Going"s. I need someone to say, "Relax, breath. Do what YOU need!" Other people get breaks, don't I deserve one, too?
Then, there is this. I'm missing my family, especially my sisters, very much. For my family in Idaho (which consists of my mother, dad, baby sister, best friend, and Paternal grandparents and numerous Aunts, and one Uncle), along with my maternal grandmother and uncle in Oregon, it has been 6 months since I have seen them. The holidays were tough. I miss spending time with my baby sis Abigail, and best friend Sal. Those two hold all my secrets and never judge me. Then, my older sister Molly, who I have so much I want to talk to about, who moved away last February to Washington with her husband David and my niece Lorelei. I wish so much that I could spend time with them. Molly and Lorelei. I want to talk, about being a wife, with her. Because I don't have any friends who understand what it is to be a wife or so far from family. I miss her terribly. My big sister, with all her flaws and teasing, that I Idolize and love nonetheless. I want to see and hug them all.
To make matters worse. I have to be up for clinicals at 0400 (4 a.m.). Joy.
Sincerely,
The Blubbering Mess in the Bath

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

2012: One Door Closing



Oh My... How to start. Well, it is a new year. Let me tell you a little about last year. It was January 1st 2012, I was single but absolutely in love with this absolutely charming and handsome guy. I need to mention that we had been together previously for two years, in a long distance relationship. Long story short, we had recently split. I was in a messy, muddy and ugly heap of sorrow over the entire ordeal. I was 18. What do you expect? I decided to try and start fresh. My resolutions? Why, to move out of little old Homedale, Idaho, of course. To be on my own and to be a new bird... Little did my heart and mind know! I spent six months trying to get through it all, while studying to be a nurse, and also dealing with my older sister Molly and my niece Lorelei moving to Washington.

Thankfully I had some really amazing guy friends, Sal and Ismahel. They are, I swear, my long lost brothers. Every tear filled evening ended up as a fun night of hookah and games of Uno with the boys. Their endless amounts of encouraging words made it easier.

All the while, there he was. Still lurking around. Making my heart beat faster, and harder. We would still have those random memory filled, heart throbbing conversations into the early hours of the morning. We wanted to move on but we were stopping each other, because we knew in our pitiful and selfish hearts that neither of us were ready or able to let go. Thank God for our angry and sad little hearts! I spent a lot of time going to Church, praying, and talking to God in that time. And I found he gives us miracles.

On May 30th, 2012, with the help of my grandmother Janet, my Aunt Lori, a lucky gambling streak, and long meaningful conversations and arguments about what we were going to do, I found myself on a plane headed to see the love of my life. The alluring and dorky, Christopher Bueno. We had decided, that if I could somehow make it to him again, we would find a way to be together. Now, just a side note. A funny story within this novel of a post is that back in December of 2011 he had promised that if we happened to get back together, it would be forever. So I ended up in his dorm room at Cal State University San Bernardino. And it was amazing being in his arms again.

Then what do you know... A week into it. Two days after my 19th birthday. We were laying in a smaller than twin size bed, I was thinking nothing of engagement or marriage, when he sighed heavily and said "Kitty, I have something to ask you. But I'm afraid to." I cut him off and asked what he needed. Thinking he needed my help. He told me not to to worry about it. But you see, I am a worrier! So that was no good.

So for three days I sat and thought and thought. Wracking my little brain trying to figure out what could he need. Then, not a lightbulb, but a thousand fireworks lit within my mind. There we were laying in bed again, and I was trying so hard to make my voice strong, but it was shakey because I was terrified that I was letting my imagination get away with me, when finally managed to let out, "I think I know what you wanted to ask me, and what you need help with."

That's how it happened. How I became engaged to my dream man. And within a month we were in Idaho preparing for a little and sweet court house wedding with only my grandparents, my parents and little sister, his little brother and our closest friends. So on July 3rd 2012, I became Mrs. Katherine Violet Bueno. And later that night we all went and saw fireworks in the horridly sweet county where we met our sophomore year in high school.

Now I live in San Bernardino, California. Back in the city life where I am burning bright like those fireworks that lit in my head and heart in June, and then in the sky on that beautiful night where I became the happiest woman in the world. I have spent Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years eve with the most amazing soul and spirit I have ever met. Had my first New Years Kiss. Been welcomed into a new and beautiful family. And kept studying to be a nurse. And I couldn't have done it without all of those mentioned persons' help.

Today is January 2nd 2013. I'm 19, married to my soulmate, happy, and still studying. Last years resolutions were gone through with. Right now I am relaxing to The Civil Wars, and in a while I get to go "mee mees" with my dear husband.