But I Don't Know

When does exhaustion end? Not now, not ever. Not for those of the working/studying class I suppose. I don't know. Lately, I've felt out of tune and touch with everything and everyone. Exhaustion has set in physically and emotionally this week. I mean, it is always there, lurking in the shadows, but something about this week, especially today, has taken it's dues. I've started to realize, that as much as I love Nursing, it's not what I love and want most. And retaking so many courses I have already passed, and payed for, irritates me to no end. It's a waste of my time and money. Nursing School is a great laugh *sometimes histerical* to me any more. They choke every last dime and ounce of energy out of you, all the while bullying you and making up new rules to screw you over. The problem is, Chris and I need this. And this will set us off on a good start. So I push myself further and further into the depths and demise of school and exhaustion, all the while holding onto dreams and cooing to myself, "for us and for someday." Chris and our future keeps me going, to say the least. I don't know what I would do without my super hero husband. But I don't know. It's like I need a break. I feel like I jumped into school too fast after having just moved to a new place. I never got use to my surroundings, to the people, or really looked into other schools... I just jumped. Because I wanted to satisfy other peoples' questions. I wanted to prove to them that I wasn't running away and eloping. That I was going to stick it through. That's me though. Appealing to others before giving myself any rest. Always to the point of breaking. I have no idea what to do. Upset everyone else by taking a break for my own health and peace of mind? Or continue until the meltdown occurs, in attempt to prove others the extents I will go to succeed. I hate to be selfish, but... I shouldn't be so exhausted I feel as though I am in my sixties. I don't like feeling like I am really "Grandma Kitty," as my sisters call me. I'm 19. I'm young. I should feel agile and energized. My mood, I won't call it depression (people overuse and abuse that term and condition), has caused me to feel nauseated, dizzy, extremely fatigued and sometimes hostile. It's hard to eat, and sleep. And I know this will lead to me being an, unhealthy, low weight. I'm sending out a siren, a call for help or kind words. I don't need anymore "Keep Going"s. I need someone to say, "Relax, breath. Do what YOU need!" Other people get breaks, don't I deserve one, too? Then, there is this. I'm missing my family, especially my sisters, very much. For my family in Idaho (which consists of my mother, dad, baby sister, best friend, and Paternal grandparents and numerous Aunts, and one Uncle), along with my maternal grandmother and uncle in Oregon, it has been 6 months since I have seen them. The holidays were tough. I miss spending time with my baby sis Abigail, and best friend Sal. Those two hold all my secrets and never judge me. Then, my older sister Molly, who I have so much I want to talk to about, who moved away last February to Washington with her husband David and my niece Lorelei. I wish so much that I could spend time with them. Molly and Lorelei. I want to talk, about being a wife, with her. Because I don't have any friends who understand what it is to be a wife or so far from family. I miss her terribly. My big sister, with all her flaws and teasing, that I Idolize and love nonetheless. I want to see and hug them all. To make matters worse. I have to be up for clinicals at 0400 (4 a.m.). Joy. Sincerely, The Blubbering Mess in the Bath