Oh. Hai There.

So as I write this, I am slightly frustrated because I wrote a whole essay on here a few nights ago when my phone had a blitz while I was trying to save it. It was, probably, one of my best written posts ever. It was written so eloquently, that I cried when my phone blooped.

Anyhow... I promised a post about the Idaho trip a long time ago, but my life had been quite busy as of late. So I have been seriously behind on my postings, but for wonderful reasons!

On August 1st, I began my very first day as a working gal. I now work at Baker's Drive Thru. It is a delicious fast food chain found only in the Inland Empire of Southern California. It is such an amazing family oriented restaurant chain, and I feel privileged to work there. I was originally hired to be a drinks and dining room backup, getting maybe 20 hours a week, but I climbed up the ladder quite quickly with my fast learning mind and good work ethic. I now work the cashier and drive thru, and get 28-34 hours a week.

Thank goodness for those hours! We now have our very own little apartment, after our roommate decided to leave we spent three months barely getting by with that $924 rent. Our new apartment is a little diamond in the rough. I found her on Craigslist, after searching and looking at some pretty pricey apartments that weren't available. I saw the photos, which were awful and didn't do her any justice, but my heart and my bank account said give it a chance. We have my vinyl record up, some new furniture and a new soup pot (I can't wait to make Albóndigas again) that my in-laws got for us (gracias Blanca y Daniel), and have really settled in. I am absolutely in love with this spunky little place. Oh, did I mention its $600 a month, the power bill is super cheap and we live right next door to our favorite grocery store?! It was such a steal, and I will forever that this was a very good decision on Mr. Apprehensive and I's behaves.

Also, the love and I's relationship has grown so much since we first married. We spend much more time together, talk, and share our feelings so much easier. I believe it helps when you don't have a roommate! It's just us and it feels amazing. Having our own home is a blessing. We also will be adding a new member to the family. A sweet Schnauzer puppy that we have named Mopsy. She will hopefully be coming here within the next month from my parents in Idaho. I truly cannot wait to meet her. She will be spoiled and loved unconditionally.

And tomorrow... The much anticipated day that we have been wanting to come since forever, it seems. With the help of Blanca and Daniel, we will be purchasing our first car! YAY!!!! We are hopefully getting a little 2000 Ford Focus zx3 for 2300 (or less if we can get the owner to go lower). No more walking to work! YES!!! I will try to post pictures of the car, apartment, and puppy later.

So that was the much less eloquently written story of our lives for the last few months. I hope you enjoyed. I'm not promising anything this time. ;) Goodnight.

The Kitty Wumpus

IKEA

      So I have a confession. I have an Ikea addiction. It is not good, but then again it is, because rather than want super expensive stuff from other places, i like the simpler, more affordable things that come from IKEA. It really is an amazing store, with it's amazing options in furniture, cabinets, closets, bedroom sets, kitchenware and utensils, and so on.  It has everything you could think of, really. Even sewing machines....AND... houses that come it flat packs? WHAT? I just found out about that last one. But they are nifty little things, and Ikea has started sending them to war ridden and third world countries for refugees. IKEA = AWESOMENESS!

      As of right now, I have nothing from Ikea, however, in a few days... I shall check something off of my dream list from Ikea. The Lugnvik Sofa Bed I have been coveting since, the first time I stepped into an Ikea store with my sister Molly from MaeLiveFree and bro-law David, three summers ago.

      Among other things on that list are the Lack side tables in gloss white and the Lack coffee table in gloss red along with a small area rug for my future living room, and other lovely house goods.

      I could live in Ikea. They provide everything I could need, beds, blankets, everything. I could switch which "room" I slept in every night. Haha. It is really one of my favorite stores. I can't wait to make money and spend some, after the bills and necessities are paid of course, on Ikea shopping sprees.

     I want mine and Chris's apartment to start feeling like home. Right now it just feels like "blah" and ugly. We will be upgrading to a nicer apartment in October, which I am STOKED about. I would love to start collecting things for it, soon. Where we are now, it just doesn't feel like a home should. I want that home feeling. The warmth and energy, that a real home possesses and puts forth, just isn't here.

    Anyways, that is my IKEA rant. Here is my little list of dreams from Ikea in the form of pictures.

Über Late

     Sorry I am so late guys! We've been really busy the last two months. I promise to write all about it in the following week or two, but for right now. I am going to write a little post about Ikea. Stick around folks.

♥ 

A Lot of Firsts

So the last month has been a little busy. To say the least. We have spent the last few weekends with Chris's family. And such fun were those weekends!
The first weekend, we spent with Chris's parents, Hassler, his aunt and uncle, and his cousin Carlos who is around Hassler's age. How did we spend it? All day Saturday at Disneyland! It was a blast, I think. We didn't go on many rides but I got to go on the three I wanted to. The Teacup ride, Haunted Mansion, and Splash Mountain. The latter upon which Chris made a brilliant pose for the camera. His facial expression was not fake however. We spent most of the day there walking around in the shops. First time at Disney, was a success. The next day Chris and I took the kiddos to Scandia, a mini amusement park slash arcade while the adults were at a mall nearby. It was great fun, but I am like my father in that mini-golf gets really competitive when I play. I won a lot of tickets and we got a few little prizes out of that. So another success. 
The second weekend, Mother's Day weekend, we headed down to San Ysidro to spend more time with Chris's parents, his aunt and cousin. There, I had another first. We went to Seaworld. We had a blast on some of the rides they have. Chris and his dad had a blast trying to win stuffed animals in the arcade type area there. His dad won a LOT. We walked around, went to the dog show in which I had a hard time not crying because I miss my pets, Chris and I had a caricature done, went to the Dolphin show, went on one last soaking ride, and finally went to the ShamuRocks show. That night we were all exhausted and knocked right out. But I woke up to a cold and a sunburnt scalp. The next day we spent in San Diego. We got to visit a Maritime Museum, in which one of the ships from Pirates of the Caribbean was docked. Then we finished the trip with lunch at BJ's. It was a lovely weekend, but I missed my mom.
The next weekend was calmer. We stayed in the area. Then saturday, we spent with Chris's parents again for Hassler's promotion from the eighth grade. I realized I don't want him to be in highschool yet! He's only thirteen. That, made me realize my baby sister is going to be a senior this year. Where has time gone? Oh, and Chris and I are getting close to our One Year. Crazy! *sigh* I feel old. Haha. And Sunday I got out of the apartment and went clubbing at a gay bar with Joshee and our friend Tori. It was such a blast just dancing. I also met Gia, a drag queen. She was HILARIOUS to say the least. But yeah. I want to go again!
Last but not least, we are leaving to Idaho on June 3rd, the day before my 20th birthday. It is my first birthday spending it with my family since I turned 17. I am over the moon excited to see my family and friends. The best gift I could ask for. Especially since my niece, older sister, and bro-law are going to be there a few days after us! It has been a year since I saw them. A year since Lumpy was a slobbery, adorable, cheesecake covered, sweetheart in my arms. Now she looks and acts like a little woman. *sad Titi is tearing up* I have been driving myself nuts making lists of what I should pack for Chris, Hassler and I. Can it be time yet?!
Anyways, that was this month. Next months will be even better!
 

Mi Amor y yo en San Diego

In Disneyland

Blanca and I making funny faces.

Chris's amazing photo with R2D2

R2D2 fry holder.

Los Primos

Our Caricature

Tea Cup

Maritime Museum

Dizzy

A Year Ago

A year ago I weighed a mere 103 lbs. I was super skinny, but I was healthy. My skin was clear, I didn't eat out much and when I did it was Jimmy John's subs or fish tacos (tacos were not so healthy but a guilty pleasure of mine), I didn't eat chips or bucketloads of candy, I didn't drink tons of soda. Nope, that wasn't me. But it seems now, the junk is all we eat. I weigh what I am assuming is closer to 120 now. I'm not too ashamed of that weight, I look good. But I am ashamed of how I got here.
So.... Her comes the tiny Kitty, who survived off of salads, fruits, water, and the occasional poultry dish, and lots of fish. The Kitty that was addicted to runs and long walks. I won't be super tiny. I would love to keep my weight above 110, I just want the fat gone, the muscle toned, and my skin and hair nice. Oh, and who doesn't love fruits and veggies? Delicious and healthy. Time for some spring cleaning, but it won't be the apartment. My body and the fridge. I just hope it is as easy as it use to be!!!
Anyways.... That's my little health rant. Wish me luck! ♥

Where Is The Wumpus Cat?

Right here. I know.... It's been another month. Cats easily wander off, don't ya know? So this is going to be a monthly blog unless something is VERY exciting. Well, let's see....

In the last month.... I have gotten to spend an entire day with three of my favorite people. My husband, his friend Jacob, and our dear Nallely. It was a very special day, since not one of us had seen her in quite some time (like two years). Especially, for me, because I don't bond with girls, really, but Nallely is just that AWESOME that she has burrowed herself into my heart. We ate sushi, which is kind of a tradition with this group, and spent all day talking about all of the crazy changes we have made in those two years, and us girls had a nice chat about baby fever! I'm not the only one! Haha.

We also spent time time with Chris's cousin Joanna and her husband Gonzo, at a family members birthday and then again when we invited them over for fish tacos (a specialty of mine). Joanna is another one of those girls I really enjoy talking to. Oh and I didn't mention a while back that they are expecting a little girl in September. My excitement is through the roof for them, since they have wanted this for quite a long time. I have already warned Chris that I will be spoiling baby Leia. I look at stuff for her at Walmart and other places whenever we go. Heh. But yeah... I got to feel Joanna's little bump. Jealous? Haha.

We found out that my mom bought air tickets for us to visit Idaho in June for my twentieth birthday. I am over the moon excited to see my family, and my best friend Sal. Oh, and... my niece and older sister, Molly from MaeLiveFree... who I haven't seen in a year, might just be there. I am hoping. *crosses fingers and whispers a prayer* If so, it will be a very special birthday for me!!!

Also.... We played a very aggressive game of Basketball with Chris's friend Alfred, my not so Little anymore BIL Hassler, our friend Joey and his sister Crystal. It was quite a blast. Until the next day when we were sunburnt and sore, that is. Haha.

And today... We had a good discussion on why we should wait for having children. Which went into a talk about me needing to find what I will do in the meantime. But the contents of those discussions will remain a secret. ;) Until further notice that is. But there is BIG news coming soon, so stay tuned my darlings.
♥

Here I Am!

Here I am! A month since my last post. I know... Such a long time. But I AM back. Nothing much has happened, really. I have been minding the apartment, reading, and what not. The one momentous thing that did occur was getting to Skype with my sisters, parents, niece, grandma, uncle and brother in-law all at once!

The first Skype session was with just my sisters, parents, brother and niece. Which was amazing. And I cried. All because of that little booger but of a niece of mine came right up to the computer screen and said "I love you Titi Kitty." It was the first time she had said that to me, ever. So it was rather emotional for me, since I had gone from being with her nearly every day up until her first birthday, to being cut off cold turkey. Not having seen her since. Which measures a year. Rough! Really rough.

The second session, my maternal grandmother who we all dearly call G Ha, and my uncle, James, who is younger than I am (We call him Bubsy), joined the fun. It was a relaxed session of a few laughs and many smiles. With my silly little niece dancing around and talking about her new fascination, spiders. Ick. Haha. I wish Chris and I could have been there with my spectacularly misguided, jumbled, hilarious, but loving family.

This week I found out that someone I use to be close to my senior year is expecting. I am rather excited for her and her husband to bring a little blessing into the world. But that got me curious. The number of people I know who have babies or are pregnant is steadily, or really not so steadily, rising. So I counted. A whole whopping 41 girls! A month ago, I was writing about baby fever, and being jealous of those girls, but I have found myself not so anymore. I am happy for them, especially the ones I was close to. So much so that I look online for baby shower gift ideas. That's kind of tricky, though, since I don't know genders yet!! It is nice to be happy now, instead of jealous and hurt. I found peace, through lots of praying, knowing that I will have what they all have sooner or later. It's all up to the big G, well, and Christopher, too. Ha! As for the baby fever, it is still here, but I can control it somewhat now.

Anyhow, that, folks, is all I have to say for now. Until next time.
♥

Well....

Lately I've put a lot of thought into who I am and who I want to be, where I am and where I want to be, where WE are and want to be. I realized a lot. I'm not content to be a nurse. Nurses are looked down on, most of them are catty whenches who don't know anything and don't care about their patients. My reasoning behind brig a nurse use to be that I would get to be with babies all day and care for them. But now I realize, some babies don't make it. I couldn't deal with that. And now days, nursing isn't a prestigious role. They're the fall guys that get blamed. Oh and nursing schools are a ploy to get money. Screw that. I won't be the fall guy. I don't want to be a nurse. Period. It's just not me anymore. I want to be a mom. Until then, because Chris wants us to have jobs and degrees, I think I might look into nannying. I rather spend time caring for children, than wasting more money and time because schools dont accept my prior credits. I could make money doing it and actually be thanked for doing so. But then there is the fact that everyone expects me to be a nurse and get a degree and blah blah blah. Well guys it's not what I want! Maybe someday if our healthcare system and "professionals" change! I don't see that happening though.

Also, I don't want to be in a situation where we live with a roomate again. Don't get me wrong, having a roomate isn't all bad. But it's HARD when you've lived one way and have to make changes to that way of life for someone else, that you don't love. I make changes for my husband as he does for me. But roomates are different. And it sucks when you're in your first year of marriage, sharing an apartment with a roomate. In a strange place. With no family near. I can't explain how difficult it all is.

Oh, and holy baby fever. Everyone is getting pregnant. Some of my classmates with seconds, family, people younger than me. Everyone but me it seems. I see a baby or a pregnant belly and I get all emotional. Maybe its because I miss my family and I am having this nesting thing where I want to have my own baby so my family near me gets bigger? Or because I have always just loved babies and children so much. Or because I want to make gorgeous babies with the love of my life and have that amazing bond with the baby and even deeper tie with my husband. Something that is part of us both, that we would love inexplicably much. I just feel so... I don't even know. I have never had this feeling. It scares me and worries me. And it sucks because lately I have taken to food for comfort. Not good! Something has got to give. I need something positive, something happy.

"We're so lovey for a married couple." -Christopher

Today, we slept in until 1. Well, not sleeping in truly, as we were up until nearly 5 a.m. watching movies. It was nice, we laid cuddling for a while after waking up. I love cuddling. So much that I get really mopey if I don't get cuddles. El Chris says it's my energy source. Pretty much. I don't eat a lot, and I'm really skinny, so I think I need more cuddles. Haha.
Anyways, after cuddling we decided to get out of bed and get ready for the day. I was getting dressed when my lovely honey reached into his closet saying "you know what. I wonder if this fits you." He then handed me his beloved Avengers shirt. Now, many of you don't know this, but my husband is a huge nerd. He loves the Avengers, so him giving me this shirt actually meant a lot to me. And I look pretty, nerdishly sexy in it, if I do say so myself.
I was looking around for my bra, and went to reach for it when Mr.FlyingSpiderMonkey comes out of no where and snatches it up. He then proceded to run around the room and over the bed multiple times keeping it from me. Finally, I was on the bed, an advantage, and he was cornered, or so I thought.
So I jumped off the bed onto him. And low and behold, he doesn't have my bra anymore. I'm frantically searching behind him, and yes, in the back of his pants for it. He is laughing at my confused looks, and efforts to find where he hid it. Telling me he is Houdini. And then I realized that he probably threw it over my head when I jumped on him. There it was on the bed. We both dashed, and ended up wrestling for it, for a few minutes.
I loved it. Moments like those, where we are totally ourselves and carefree make this life wonderful. I'm lucky to have married a playful and loving soul. And I hope we are still like this fifty or more years from now.

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Baby Fever!!!!

I'm laying in bed right now, with the Lovely Mr.WarmAndCuddly fast asleep beside me. It's soothing. This time last year was a totally different scenario. I was alone, and at that point didn't even have a bed. Just a pad on the floor in the middle of my dark little room. And it had been his choice to have me be so alone. So much has changed. Wondering then, would I ever find another person to be with. I doubted it. And my doubt was in the right place. My strength as well. God had a plan. Now, I am laying in a large and comfortable bed with a beautiful soul that is keeping me warm. What a blessing... But yet I am awake, as I have been the last few nights wondering something new. I'm torn... For I yearn for something that I know cannot have RIGHT now. I know better than to bring a baby into the world, when we are not financially ready to take care of it. My parents struggled to raise us and pay for things my sisters and I needed, as they had little money and were so young. I'm still young, too. I have plenty of time... Right? Wrong? Not sure... That's where my worries come in. If, I perhaps have the same Müllerian anomaly, or similar, as my older sister, I would want to start now. With age comes the chance of being even less likely to have a viable pregnancy. A Septated or Bicournate Uterus is no joking matter, especially in our family. There is a HIGH chance of myself or younger sister also having one or more of these anomalies. *Side note, as formerly discussed, the gene that cause these abnormalities seems to be inherited from my father who is missing a Kidney and appendix, also, my younger sister is missing her appendix.* We're trying to convince ourselves that I am going to luck out and be the "Normal" offspring of our parents. But lately... I've been having... Problems... Somewhat similar to those my sister had just before she found out about her septum. Guess what? I'm the age she was then. Ironic. I don't want to discuss the exact nature of those problems, but I'll tell you this. They can be a little scary and painful. Now, it would be so hurtful to myself, my gorgeous husband and our families, if for some reason there could be no babies made between us. I want nothing more than to be his wife, and the mama of his offspring. It's getting really hard, as I see that many girls from my graduating class are on number 1 or more commonly number 2. I joke about it, but to tell the truth, I wish I new their secrets to being so fertile! Haha. Must be the sulfur water back in Idaho, that I didn't drink enough of? See, joking. Have to make myself feel better somehow, right? But really. I could use those tips in the future, you fertile Myrtles. However, I remind myself. We have educations to get, and we'll have money someday. So if need be, I can have surgeries or fertility treatment. But the main part of my heart continues to argue for now, aaaand I don't do well with synthetic hormones, and would prefer getting pregnant without those nasty buggers. And, and, and... The list of arguments goes on.... Anyways, I'm gonna talk to the honey. Ask him to set up a consultation with the Big Boss a.ka. his dad to give me peace of mind and heart or ya know, more worries. Either, or. Anyways, I think I'll nuzzle up to Mr. Slightly Snoring, and get some rest. Buenas Noches, ♥

What is Missing?

The Defectives
It's usually quite upsetting to think about what is missing. As human beings we all have a need to gain more, achieve more, earn more,etc. We always feel as if something were missing, but we can never really tell exactly what. We fill one void and another opens it's vast feeling of emptiness in our souls. So what gives?

So there's that kind of "something missing". A silly feeling we get. Now here comes the interesting part! It has been made clear that my younger sister and father are missing organs. My sister is missing her appendix, and my father was born without his appendix and a kidney. The defects, known as Müllerian defects, are hereditary, and have also made an appearance in my older sister. She had a partial Septate Uterus, and was supposedly never going to conceive. But the big guy over head works in mysterious ways, and now we have a little miracle in the family name Lorelei and she will be two in February.

Lorelei originally was quite possibly a twin, but early on in my sister's first trimester she experienced what we had believed to be a miscarriage. We were all very distraught. But another ultrasound showed a growing "blueberry". Little Lumpy survived to our surprise and had to be delivered via Cesarean at 42 weeks! She refused to come out. And during the C section the found my big sis's septum (which had shrank mysteriously) was what merely seemed a large skin tag. We joke about it and say that Lorelei ate it.

So here we are at me. The only daughter left to find out what is missing or defective. I'm already an odd ball because of all of my allergies, lactose intolerance, asthma and occasional ovarian cysts which cause some awful discomfort (if I say something hurts it is probably ten times more painful for others, I have a high pain tolerance) and difficulty conceiving as mine occur and rupture during ovulation.

So what else? Finding out early this morning that my baby sis was born without an appendix, on top of my Dad and older sister's known issues has really taken it's toll on me today. Is it my kidneys, my appendix, or *sending up prayers to The big guy that it's not* my uterus? I realize that now, it's time I get an ultrasound for my peace of mind, and so I know if something further should be done.

I have a feeling, that if I were to inherit that awful gene that causes Müllerian defects, it would most likely be my uterus and cervix that would be affected. My reasons for believing this are that, unlike all the other females in my family who started menstruating as early as eight and no older than twelve, I started at fourteen. My cycle has never been "normal". I've had times where I wouldn't have a period for two or three months where the bleeding would be minimal, to times where I would bleed continuously for three months (when I was on the pill).

The latter ordeal was excruciating. I went from having no cramping and little bleeding to gushing and cramping that left me bed ridden, weak and anemic. Also on the MINI pill, I lost fifteen pounds. Being 5'4 and only 103 pounds was not okay. So I quit the pill. But my periods are still irregular after a year of being off of birth control, and still very painful.

I'm terrified to have an abnormality in my uterus. I want nothing more than to make beautiful babies with the love of my life in a few years, and if something comes up that creates a problem in that arena on top of ovarian cysts, I would be so hurt. I'm praying up a storm here, that everything is A-Ok. Or if something is wrong, I at least get to experience the same miracle my older sister did.
One thing is for sure. I am really MISSING my family.

Lighting Up Our Lives Since 02/03/11

A Princess Shouldn't Cry

Oh goodness, where do I start. Well, I decided on the break. So that's good. Let me see.... Oh yes. My adoring husband starts school again tomorrow. That will be an adjustment. But it is better than staying home and not playing on the computer! Ha! I'm actually proud, and happy that he is starting classes again. It's good for him to get out of the apartment and do something. This something is actually worthy of applause, if I do say so myself. Apartment... Apartment. Apartment. Apartment. I hate that evil word. It's home, but it's not really home. It doesn't have that "home sweet home" cozy feeling. Maybe because the lack of wall hangings and color, or perhaps it's gross carpet and our stained furniture. Nope, it has to be the mismatched (and not in a cute way) dishes and silverware. Oh wait, I have it! All the strangers that track through. But all in all, at the end of the day, it is home. It's where we are spending our first as a married couple. That makes it and it's flaws all so special to me. And then, if I go into the hallway, turn right and go through the bedroom door, I can escape the blandness. Here, we have all the colors and coziness. It's my comfort zone and when I'm here cuddled up to my lovely Christopher, it is Heaven. So, that is my relationship with the apartment. Love/hate. Computer. Oh that beautiful, devilish little piece of technology. I would love it, but for the fact that it steals my precious husband away from me. All. The. Time. Now, I know we need our own time, but goodness... Eight hours or more on the computer is not a worthy accomplishment. However, I know that Chris vents and relaxes when he plays pc games with his friends, some of which he doesn't see very often. Buuut... I feel like the games and parties are the only reason some of those "friends" are around for. The fact that they can be so immature and keep a guy, who they know quite well is married and has other duties, on those games for hours upon hours, really upsets me. I just don't know how to confront them or Chris about it. I don't want to be the evil B. But they and my husband, need to learn that he has other responsibilities. And if they were truly his friends... They would, oh you know, come visit, not because it has drinks involved but because they genuinely want to see Chris. Oh... And I would like for my husband to have a normal sleeping schedule. One that consists of sleeping when it is dark out. And maybe... Sounding selfish. He could spend time with me? *bats eyelashes, and innocently smiles* Emotional. Oh yes. Today I have been QUITE emotional. No apparent reason. I wanted to go to the store earlier to buy a loaf or bread and a few other staples, and I wanted to walk. I've been dying for fresh air. Chris agreed but a few minutes later changed his mind and suggested we wait to see if our roomate and his friend, who has a car, were going to the store. Well I got a little upset over that, but I sat down and caught up on some blogs I have been following. Our roomate came out and saw that we hadn't gone to the store and asked if I wanted a ride, but at that point I had lost my drive. So I said no. Well... Chris got peeved that I didn't go. And that did it. I got teary and had to hold them in until I got to the room. I cried a little, but then I told myself tears weren't worth it. So I decided to do laundry, clean the room, and scrub the bathroom down. I scrubbed the toilet with my bare hands, because I am out of gloves. And I did it for Mr. PickyAboutTheToilet, out of genuine love. I hung his clothes, made the bed, and organized the medicine cabinet. And I was feeling much better. So...having nothing left to do, and noticing my love was in-between games I decided to go and nuzzle his neck and head. Trying to get his attention. I asked for him to come cuddle me. He was only being silly as he is a very goofy person, but for some reason when he said "I don't want to cuddle. Cuddling is for losers." Then changed the subject, to something on Facebook. He asked me a question that I would have been able to answer. But... My silly emotions, prevented me from answering and thus I said it the wrong way and he didn't understand so he laughed at me. And there I was again... Headed to the room to hide my tears. I don't know why, I am so sensitive today. It's just ridiculous. I hate when I get this emotional and cry at the drop of a dime.It makes me feel weak. Well, I am still in my comfort zone. Waiting for my lovely Mr. NoSnuggles to get off his games. But it seems there is no end in sight. So I might go take my, second, bubble bath of the day. Or find something sweet to snack or sip on. Until Next Time, ♥

But I Don't Know

When does exhaustion end? Not now, not ever. Not for those of the working/studying class I suppose. I don't know. Lately, I've felt out of tune and touch with everything and everyone. Exhaustion has set in physically and emotionally this week. I mean, it is always there, lurking in the shadows, but something about this week, especially today, has taken it's dues. I've started to realize, that as much as I love Nursing, it's not what I love and want most. And retaking so many courses I have already passed, and payed for, irritates me to no end. It's a waste of my time and money. Nursing School is a great laugh *sometimes histerical* to me any more. They choke every last dime and ounce of energy out of you, all the while bullying you and making up new rules to screw you over. The problem is, Chris and I need this. And this will set us off on a good start. So I push myself further and further into the depths and demise of school and exhaustion, all the while holding onto dreams and cooing to myself, "for us and for someday." Chris and our future keeps me going, to say the least. I don't know what I would do without my super hero husband. But I don't know. It's like I need a break. I feel like I jumped into school too fast after having just moved to a new place. I never got use to my surroundings, to the people, or really looked into other schools... I just jumped. Because I wanted to satisfy other peoples' questions. I wanted to prove to them that I wasn't running away and eloping. That I was going to stick it through. That's me though. Appealing to others before giving myself any rest. Always to the point of breaking. I have no idea what to do. Upset everyone else by taking a break for my own health and peace of mind? Or continue until the meltdown occurs, in attempt to prove others the extents I will go to succeed. I hate to be selfish, but... I shouldn't be so exhausted I feel as though I am in my sixties. I don't like feeling like I am really "Grandma Kitty," as my sisters call me. I'm 19. I'm young. I should feel agile and energized. My mood, I won't call it depression (people overuse and abuse that term and condition), has caused me to feel nauseated, dizzy, extremely fatigued and sometimes hostile. It's hard to eat, and sleep. And I know this will lead to me being an, unhealthy, low weight. I'm sending out a siren, a call for help or kind words. I don't need anymore "Keep Going"s. I need someone to say, "Relax, breath. Do what YOU need!" Other people get breaks, don't I deserve one, too? Then, there is this. I'm missing my family, especially my sisters, very much. For my family in Idaho (which consists of my mother, dad, baby sister, best friend, and Paternal grandparents and numerous Aunts, and one Uncle), along with my maternal grandmother and uncle in Oregon, it has been 6 months since I have seen them. The holidays were tough. I miss spending time with my baby sis Abigail, and best friend Sal. Those two hold all my secrets and never judge me. Then, my older sister Molly, who I have so much I want to talk to about, who moved away last February to Washington with her husband David and my niece Lorelei. I wish so much that I could spend time with them. Molly and Lorelei. I want to talk, about being a wife, with her. Because I don't have any friends who understand what it is to be a wife or so far from family. I miss her terribly. My big sister, with all her flaws and teasing, that I Idolize and love nonetheless. I want to see and hug them all. To make matters worse. I have to be up for clinicals at 0400 (4 a.m.). Joy. Sincerely, The Blubbering Mess in the Bath

2012: One Door Closing

Oh My... How to start. Well, it is a new year. Let me tell you a little about last year. It was January 1st 2012, I was single but absolutely in love with this absolutely charming and handsome guy. I need to mention that we had been together previously for two years, in a long distance relationship. Long story short, we had recently split. I was in a messy, muddy and ugly heap of sorrow over the entire ordeal. I was 18. What do you expect? I decided to try and start fresh. My resolutions? Why, to move out of little old Homedale, Idaho, of course. To be on my own and to be a new bird... Little did my heart and mind know! I spent six months trying to get through it all, while studying to be a nurse, and also dealing with my older sister Molly and my niece Lorelei moving to Washington.

Thankfully I had some really amazing guy friends, Sal and Ismahel. They are, I swear, my long lost brothers. Every tear filled evening ended up as a fun night of hookah and games of Uno with the boys. Their endless amounts of encouraging words made it easier.

All the while, there he was. Still lurking around. Making my heart beat faster, and harder. We would still have those random memory filled, heart throbbing conversations into the early hours of the morning. We wanted to move on but we were stopping each other, because we knew in our pitiful and selfish hearts that neither of us were ready or able to let go. Thank God for our angry and sad little hearts! I spent a lot of time going to Church, praying, and talking to God in that time. And I found he gives us miracles.

On May 30th, 2012, with the help of my grandmother Janet, my Aunt Lori, a lucky gambling streak, and long meaningful conversations and arguments about what we were going to do, I found myself on a plane headed to see the love of my life. The alluring and dorky, Christopher Bueno. We had decided, that if I could somehow make it to him again, we would find a way to be together. Now, just a side note. A funny story within this novel of a post is that back in December of 2011 he had promised that if we happened to get back together, it would be forever. So I ended up in his dorm room at Cal State University San Bernardino. And it was amazing being in his arms again.

Then what do you know... A week into it. Two days after my 19th birthday. We were laying in a smaller than twin size bed, I was thinking nothing of engagement or marriage, when he sighed heavily and said "Kitty, I have something to ask you. But I'm afraid to." I cut him off and asked what he needed. Thinking he needed my help. He told me not to to worry about it. But you see, I am a worrier! So that was no good.

So for three days I sat and thought and thought. Wracking my little brain trying to figure out what could he need. Then, not a lightbulb, but a thousand fireworks lit within my mind. There we were laying in bed again, and I was trying so hard to make my voice strong, but it was shakey because I was terrified that I was letting my imagination get away with me, when finally managed to let out, "I think I know what you wanted to ask me, and what you need help with."

That's how it happened. How I became engaged to my dream man. And within a month we were in Idaho preparing for a little and sweet court house wedding with only my grandparents, my parents and little sister, his little brother and our closest friends. So on July 3rd 2012, I became Mrs. Katherine Violet Bueno. And later that night we all went and saw fireworks in the horridly sweet county where we met our sophomore year in high school.

Now I live in San Bernardino, California. Back in the city life where I am burning bright like those fireworks that lit in my head and heart in June, and then in the sky on that beautiful night where I became the happiest woman in the world. I have spent Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years eve with the most amazing soul and spirit I have ever met. Had my first New Years Kiss. Been welcomed into a new and beautiful family. And kept studying to be a nurse. And I couldn't have done it without all of those mentioned persons' help.

Today is January 2nd 2013. I'm 19, married to my soulmate, happy, and still studying. Last years resolutions were gone through with. Right now I am relaxing to The Civil Wars, and in a while I get to go "mee mees" with my dear husband.